© Numero Unoma
For Global Forgiveness Day, tomorrow July 7, let’s talk about forgiveness, shall we? Forgiveness presupposes some sort of wrong doing, and my advice is that if you can’t forgive and forget, then just pick one.
Do it for your own good. Both would be better, but if you can’t do both the forgiving and the forgetting, then do yourself a favour and pick any one of them. Travel light. Do you need the baggage?
Do it just to spite your ‘enemy’. Sometimes people like to see you angry, upset and hurt. Nothing confuses and irritates them more than when you just shrug it off and get on with life. That saying that goes “don’t get mad, get even” doesn’t mean go out on a vengeful rampage. It means move on, and up. Drop it and get on with growing from strength to strength, as though nothing happened. Rise each morning and think “if you’re going to rise, you might as well shine”. Grudges dull your shine.
Do it as an act of healthy living. The Mayo Clinic maintains that “forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, improved mental health, lower blood pressure, fewer symptoms of depression, a stronger immune system, improved heart health, improved self-esteem, less anxiety, stress and hostility.”
Do it like a Boss. According to Dr. Frederic Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, which is backed by six successful research studies, “holding onto a grudge really is an ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master.” And it is like taking poison, and expecting the other person to die. Luskin suggests avoiding or preempting grudges in the first place, first by having more realistic expectations of people and life, secondly, by understanding that life does not always turn out the way we want, and lastly, by consciously deciding to go with the flow in an adaptable way, and just not take every slight or bad behaviour personally.
Do it because you still want someone in your life. While forgiveness does not guarantee the reconciliation of the issue, or the restoration of the relationship between the ‘forgiver’ and the ‘forgiven’, it is the only way to keep someone in your life whom you value more than holding on to the grudge that has come between you and them. Remember, everyone is doing their best in the circumstance, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance.
Do it to yourself, for yourself. Life is too short to keep beating yourself up about bad decisions and actions you have taken. Nobody’s perfect. Turn your blunders into take-aways, and your faux pas into lessons. Rather than let your downfalls define you, cut yourself some slack, go back to the drawing board and do the inner work that it takes to take better decisions and actions.
Now, while all of the above pertains to personal forgiveness, where would we stand on the subject of forgiveness in a broader societal and political sense?
How do we Nigerians forgive all our leaders, politicians and military interveners since 1960, for the inhuman suffering, the many deprivations, disadvantages, inconveniences and humiliations they have conferred upon us as a nation, a people, and as individuals?
How do we forgive the genocide inflicted during the Biafra War, without even a truth and reconciliation tribunal?
Charles Griswold, an author and philosophy professor at Boston University believes there is no place for political forgiveness. Instead, he argues that “what is most suitable for the public sphere is the related yet distinct idea of political apology.” He posits that the moral sentiments central to forgiveness on a personal or individual level, are not a component of the complex and impersonal public political domain, in which perpetrators and victims are often represented by the makers and takers of symbolic admissions of wrongdoing, respectively, and the apologies for these.
On the other hand, the Stanford Forgiveness Project has successfully explored forgiveness therapy with people who suffered from the violence in Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone as well as the attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11.
Simon Onyekachi Madu, a highly esteemed scholar of philosophy, theology and law, theorises that “forgiveness can be a one sided process, whereas reconciliation is a mutual process of increasing acceptance.” In any case, forgiveness can be a difficult subject to examine from a purely secular perspective.
While it is easy to see how the great thinker Hannah Arendt postulated that forgiveness is exclusively a Judeo-Christian idea, as opposed to a so-called ‘pagan’ one, that notion is preposterous and arrogant. Arendt was a German political philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor, and was widely considered to be one of the most influential political theorists of the 20th century. This accolade, as well as her assertion were both premised in white nativism and caucasian ethno-nationalism, which are just politically correct words for white supremacy. Forgiveness is a universally human concept, a response to a world filled, albeit not exclusively, with disappointment, hurt and injustice. Though I can see how a Holocaust survivor would be inclined to appropriate forgiveness this way, I think it is only right to consider other perspectives, especially those more culturally appropriate to Nigeria.
S.O. Madu’s paper on forgiveness in the Igbo and Yoruba cultures is an interesting comparison of two southern Nigerian cultures. In Omenala, the original and pre-Christian Igbo way of life, a sin or abomination committed, even though it may have been against a fellow man, was an act of defilement of the the land, which is not just the giver of life, but also the dwelling of the ancestors, who are the custodians of both public morality and the laws of the land. Consequently, the issue of atonement was a community matter, since if the land meted out punishment, in the form of drought, flooding or crop failure, for example, everybody would suffer accordingly. Depending on the gravity of the wrong doing, an offender could even be ostracised, but in any case, atonement and rectification came in the form of a sacrifice of purification to the land. Sin was seen as a betrayal of community.
Among the Yoruba, the Ifa encompasses a moral code and instruction that governs social interaction and social justice. Similar to the Igbo mgbahara, the Yoruba concept of forgiveness, idariji has reconciliation embedded in it. Sins can be committed against an individual, society, or a deity, all of which require atonements that are determined accordingly. Though there is a societal involvement in the Yoruba culture, if the wrong doing is a personal one, forgiveness must be sought from the offended by the offender, and Yoruba morals disapprove of obduracy on the part of either party.
Traditional religions and spirituality share a commonality with the Abrahamic doctrines in the centrality of deity to moral code and conduct. The Qu’ran tells us: “So excuse them, and plead for forgiveness for them, and consult them in the affairs, and once you are resolved, put your trust in Allah. Indeed Allah loves those who trust in Him.” (Quran 3:159)
Similarly, Romans 12:19-20 says: “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.” But when you look at the meaning of to “heap coals of fire upon his head”, it translates as ‘fill him with burning shame and remorse’. Remorse? That’s all? Arrgh! When I want revenge?
Don’t worry, Allah’s got this. Yes, God has your back. I mean what’s the worst a human could do in revenge….shoot their enemy with a gun…burn down their house….defile their spouse…? God has so much more creativity and power at His disposal. He could do ANYTHING. He could make it slow, or humiliating, or in some other way debilitating, and He’s above the law. Me, I would find myself in jail for arson, if I set my enemy’s house on fire. Rest your assurance on the fact that that Karma is another word for divine retribution, and it’s a debt everyone must pay, regardless. Dw, come-uppance will come to pass.
That’s what Jesus Christ meant in his Sermon on the Plain, in which He told us “whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also”. Be confident that God has your back, He is the sole contractor for avenging you. Forgive your enemy, and leave it to God to deal with on your behalf. He’s got superpowers, remember?
Okay, okay, I’m sold! Even though I won’t let you have my favourite Deola Sagoe jacket, I think I can finally find it within myself to turn “the other” cheek. But rather than smite it, I need you to kiss it, dear enemy. Would you do that for me?
Here you go: