Parenting is a very difficult thing, and fatherhood in the 21st century is not a tea party. Parenthood is not a course of study, vocational training, art and business, but a natural love and mutual understanding between you and your children. The truth is, maybe our parents never told us how hard it was to care for us. The sleepless nights they had and how having some of us made it hard for them. Parents’ love for their children does not allow them to blame their children for any discomfort or pain in their lives.
Parenting is an irrevocable decision. Once a child is conceived, the child becomes parasitic and drains the parents’ time, money, emotions, health and mental peace unknowingly. Raising children is hard, and any parent who says differently is lying. Parenting is emotionally and intellectually exhausting and often demands professional sacrifice and severe financial hardship. As a result, a father should be able to provide the necessary support for his wife and children at all times. That is what fatherhood is all about. It is an involved parenting.
In providing the above support, a father should be authoritative and not an authoritarian, or permissive or neglectful parent. As an authoritative parent, the father is required not only to set clear and reasonable rules and guidelines that are consistent with the children’s ability, but also to enforce those rules. Above all, a father should explain his position and be willing to discuss his expectations with his children, while being warm, affectionate and responsive to the needs of the children. Fatherhood disapproves of anything outside the above. Permissive, authoritarian and negligent parenting affects children’s well-being and future. “One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”— George Herbert
The role of fathers in modern households has changed dramatically when it comes to parenting in the 21st century. Fatherhood roles are no longer limited to financial and disciplinary matters. Fathers’ parental role also includes helping children develop emotionally, psychologically and physically. These days, many fathers are more than able to look after their children. This includes children suffering from physical and psychological problems. Studies have also confirmed that children’s educational success increases when fathers are involved in parenting roles.
Children are also less likely to find themselves in situations such as teenage pregnancy, expulsion from school or in prison when fathers are fully involved in raising children. Also, fathers who tend to resolve conflict respectfully and not violently with their spouse contribute to their children’s strong emotional development. Fatherhood greatly contributes to children’s cognitive development and helps them learn how to make better life choices.
Moreover, research shows that involved fatherhood makes men happier and healthier. Studies also find that fathers who report close, non-violent connections with their children live longer, have fewer mental and physical health problems, are less likely to abuse drugs, are more productive at work, and report being happier than men who do not have this strong connection. Further, men who are fathers are more likely to be involved in their neighborhoods, more likely to regularly attend religious service, and more likely to engage in community service. Not all men that fathered a child are fathers.
Generally speaking, the same characteristics that make a man a good father make him less likely to abuse or neglect his children. Fathers who nurture and take significant responsibility for basic childcare for their children from an early age are significantly less likely to sexually abuse their children. These fathers usually develop a connection so strong with their children that it reduces the probability of any mistreatment. Your biological relationship with the child does not limit fatherhood. Fatherhood is about the quality of relationship you have with your children.
Fatherhood requires that as a parent, a father spend a lot of time with his children playing and having fun, engaging in productive activities, and fostering the intellectual growth of his children. The time a father spends with his children is important for at least three reasons. First, spending time together enables a father to get to know and to be known by his child. A father can better experience the virtues and vices, hopes and fears, aspirations and ideals of his child by spending much time with him.
Second, a father who spends lots of time with his child tends to be more caring. Time spent together makes a father more sensitive to his child’s needs for love, attention, direction, and discipline. And third, as the two reasons above illustrate, children often see time as an indicator of a parent’s love for them. Children whose fathers played with, read books to, took on outings and helped care for have fewer behavioral problems in the early school years, and less likelihood of delinquency or criminal behaviour as adolescents. “The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams, and aspirations he sets not only for himself but for his family.” — Reed Markham
Disciplining children is the father’s other role. But in this role, a father must maintain control over his emotions, body language and hands when disciplining his children. Fathers who scream at their children, pound tables, or strike their children are destined to fail as disciplinarians. First, because they are modeling bad behavior and also, they lose their children’s respect when they let their emotions take hold of them. Unfortunately, many fathers resort to these tactics because they feel frustrated when they can’t control their children. They often have difficulty managing their anger, or just because they don’t know another way.
Another important function that fathers serve in the lives of their children is as guides to the world outside the home. As children start school, fathers may tell their children of their own experiences at school and encourage them to study hard. Fathers should also teach their children money, time and people management or a sport that will help them learn to work as part of a team. Fathers of teenagers should integrate discussions about their fundamental beliefs, core values and life experiences into ordinary conversations with their teenagers and also, have meals with their children regularly. Fathers should also include their children in some of their professional or community activities to give their children a taste of their life outside the house. They should also speak with their children about peer pressure and the dangers of alcohol, drugs, early sexual activity, violence, and other vices.
Personally, I have discovered that as children grow up as teenagers, a need for moderate freedom becomes necessary. Nonetheless, this freedom should be followed by an occasional word of encouragement and advice, as well as consequences for abuses of that freedom. Fathers should not allow too much of the wrong kind of freedom or offer freedom before the child is ready to accept it. In the same vein, it is not right to cling too tightly, denying young teens both the responsibilities they require to develop maturity and the opportunities they need to make choices and accept their consequences. Always set limits. There is no question that all children sometimes resist boundaries, but they want them and they also need them.
In addition, fathers must prepare their children for the challenges and possibilities of adulthood. This is done by providing them with progressively greater opportunities to act independently and make good use of their independence. It is true that the father’s role as protector and provider has changed over the years. Historically, fathers were considered the main provider of funds and protector of their children. That hasn’t changed to date. For many men, feelings of inadequacy in the role of protector and provider can lead to frustration and anger, which may not be handled properly. Underemployed and unemployed men can feel helpless in the family. In spite of these challenges, a father should still play this important role to ensure your children are safe and protected at all times.
Fathers are also able to protect their children by watching their social environment. Research has shown that children benefit when their parents know their friends and friends’ parents. Fathers can use this “intergenerational closure,”, to keep track of their children’s whereabouts and activities. It will also give fathers the opportunity to collaborate with other parents to ensure that their children behave in a way that they approve. Fathers should also pay particular attention to the type of peers their children spend time with. If it is determined that the children’s peers are engaging in unethical, unsafe or illegal activities, it is important to minimize the children’s contact with those other children.
Fathers naturally exert a strong influence over their children through the type of life they live in and out of the house. Children look to adults in the home for emotional support, including how to react and behave in the future. It is in those moments of family stress that the model provided by the father is of the utmost importance. Being a role model is neither straightforward nor easy. Fathers provide a life model for their children in the way they treat others, spend their time and money, and handle life’s joys and stresses. Ultimately, this is often crucial to guiding children’s behaviour, for better or for worse.
A father’s treatment of the opposite sex, his ability to control his own emotions, and his approach to work play a formative role in shaping his sons’ and daughters’ approach to romantic relationships and marriage, interpersonal relationships, and school and work. As a role model, fathers should promote the mission of their families, abide by the spirit and (where appropriate) the letter of the rules that govern family life and acknowledge their mistakes to their children. Fathers should be a positive role model. Remember, children learn through imitation. Your child is observing and knows more than you would expect. Always practice positive behaviours.
Children in the 21st century are developing more rapidly; therefore, parents’ concerns are deeper than messy rooms. There are concerns regarding rocky emotions, rebellion, peer pressure, low motivation, drugs, alcohol and pregnancies. Most young teens run into bumps, but no boulders. Obviously, most of them, especially, early bloomers (especially girls) can be pressured into adult situations before they are emotionally or mentally able to handle them. The combined effect of the age on the beginning for physical changes in puberty and the ways in which friends, classmates, family and the world around them respond to those changes can have long-lasting effects on the child.
Young teenagers may think more like adults, but they do not yet have the experience needed to act like adults. Consequently, their behavior may not correspond to their ideas. Also, these young teens are often not great communicators, especially with their parents and other adults who love them. Painfully, the church that should support by molding the children are gradually turning into a place where their lives are wasted in the end. The majority of youth groups in the Church have become a place of pairing – man against woman. Looking deeper into the activities reveal that they are not just in pairs, but in couples. The good ones come out bad after joining these groups.
As father, therefore, to lower the risk for range of bad experiences, including drug, alcohol and tobacco use; sexual behavior and pregnancy; and delinquency and violence, you need to know where your children are, who they are with and what they are doing at all times through monitoring. You must always be inquisitive but not necessarily interfering, while working to respect your child’s privacy as you establish trust and closeness. Young adolescents can say or do things that are scandalous or petty or both. Be that as it may, it is preferable to respond calmly. It is easier to find the truth and go to the source of the problems when they can trust you. They need our love at every moment, no matter the situation.
The respect and self-control you demonstrate in your discussions with your child could one day be reflected in their conversations with others. Your child needs to know that your love for him/her requires you to veto activities and choices that threaten either of these. You can lead by being a good listener and asking questions that help your child think about the outcomes of their actions. Teenage children often feel inadequate. Changes in their lives can occur more quickly than their ability to cope. They have new bodies and developing spirits and their relationships with friends and family are changing.
In conclusion, stop underestimating your child, instead start understanding the child. Never expect your child to understand you! Naturally, most children are selfish and think more about themselves and what makes them happy, whether rightly or wrongly. The truth is that our children are exposed to all kinds of bad and addictive materials online and by their peers. You may be surprised to learn that they have more information and know what information you are trying to protect them from. Most of them are more sexually active than their parents. I repeat: do not underestimate them, try and understand them.
In addition, do not compare your child with anyone because there are no two people in this world who are born with the same mind, the same opinion, the same tastes, etc. Identify and nurture your child’s talent, interests, tastes and opinions and ensure that the child shines in that particular field with your support and encouragement. Education is not life, but contributes to life as part of life. Therefore, first of all, identify your child wants, needs, tastes, vulnerabilities, strengths, and dreams. Learn about what your child can do, what they can be, and where their heart is. First understand your child, if they are wrong, try to fix them at the right time in the right way for a promising future. Remember that life belongs to your child and not to you.
Give your children character and best personality and not cars, currency and properties. Make sure your child is taught character development, personality development and values-based education. Experience has also shown that most of the so-called trusted people around us influence our children negatively most of the time. Unfortunately, we are always in the dark, sometimes, blindfolded with trust. Please, trust, but always verify. If the foundations are solid, it would be difficult for them to deviate from them. They may make mistakes, but would always come back to their senses.
Finally, always be the best father and parent. Do not forget that the child’s first school is a parent’s lap. If you don’t love them – don’t expect love from them. If you are lazy – don’t expect them to be active. If you are characterless – do not expect them to be of good character, etc. If you are worried that they will become evil, please change for the change of your children and the nation. Be mindful of their environment, the friends they have, what they read and the places they go. Take another look at your habits. Love their mother – your wife and love them unconditionally. Everything at the right time! Happy Father’s Day! God is with us!
Dr. Chiwuike Uba is the Board Chairman of Amaka Chiwuike Uba Foundation (ACUF) and writes from Enugu